...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
