Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
