You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
