forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
