forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
