so that wasnt chicken after all
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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