Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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