If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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