that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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