hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
