I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
If I had your ass I would rule the world
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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