The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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