I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
