yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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