It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
