im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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