Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize
