No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
