The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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