Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
