My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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