It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
