I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize