our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize