I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize