and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Randomize
