When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
