You're so nebulous sometimes
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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