This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
