It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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