How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
