Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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