I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
