sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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