Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
