I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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