I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
