this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Damn victory sex feels great
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
