Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I want her autograph on my taint
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
