meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
