i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
