It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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