I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
