He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
