Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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