I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
well you can't waste a boner
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
