i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
