your parents love me but you hate me
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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