i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
