i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
