Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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