she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
