It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
nutella sex= disaster
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
