Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
COCAINE IS GR8
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
